Mr. Sterling, could you stop booing your own team? (Noah Graham/Getty Images)

Hello readers, I’m from the future, and I have some urgent information about how your favourite teams are going to perform this year. I know that most of you are begging to learn more about the Grizzlies, the Knicks, the Warriors, the Clippers, the Bucks, and the Grizzlies, and are genuinely concerned that they might not be able to make the playoffs. WELL, TAKE HEED FAIR IDIOTS! GAZE UPON THE STARK PROGNOSTICATIONS I HAVE PROVIDED AND DESPAIR! Your favourite teams are going to SUCK and nobody will feel pity on you. They will be smashed like a child’s macrame project at the hands of Brock Lesnar.

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New York Knicks

The Knicks, for the second straight season, attempted to put Mike D’Antoni’s Seven Seconds or Less (SSoL) offense, and Do Not Attempt to Contest Shots (DNACS) defense into practice. D’Antoni favourite Al Harrington is a firm believer in the philosophy; “I’ve never played a lick of defense my whole career, and you don’t have to tell me to shoot a heavily contested three early in the shot clock, I just do that regardless.” Harrington said enthusiastically, “SSoL is such a great idea, because it reduces the amount of time you have to wait before you get to shoot another three.” Mike D’Antoni was also impressed with Wilson Chandler, remarking that it was like having two Al Harringtons on the court at the same time, though he also added that Chandler needed to lessen his defensive commitment and leak out more on the break. D’Antoni’s sour demeanor and constant complaining to the refs struck a chord with the people of New York. “Watching Mike on the sidelines reminded me of when I ordered a mochaccino from Starbucks yesterday, and they forgot to froth my cream. Cranky screaming, a face like he just took a dump in his pants, wild emotional hand gestures? It’s like the guy’s stealing my routine!” A local New York woman sneered. “He’s still a fucking idiot.” She added.

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Golden State Warriors

Golden State succeeded at beating their own record of playing the most minutes in one season with a lineup that doesn’t make any sense. Anthony Morrow had a recurring nightmare where he was playing center and point guard at the same time, and as a result spent an inordinate amount of time pinching himself when he was on the court. Don Nelson changed the team’s mascot to a pink elephant, and spent half of every game demanding that it return his collection of stretched out turtlenecks. Stephen Jackson finally got his wish and was traded, but was shocked to find out that he had been traded to the Albuquerue Thunderbirds for James Wright, Antoine Agudio and an autographed Yuta Tabuse jersey. Jackson reacted by driving his Cadillac Escalade into a Target, strangling a hooker, and kicking a dog in the face. His former teammates were impressed at his level of restraint. Halfway through the season, it was discovered that Stephen Curry is actually 14, and thus was unable to continue playing power forward for the Warriors.

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Los Angeles Clippers

In a strange turn of events, the LA Clippers’ team bus drove into wormhole that transported them into a dimension where they did not suck at basketball. Baron Davis saw a strange version of himself that was able to shoot the three point shot at over a 35% clip. Parallel-universe Ricky Davis completed a legitimate triple double, and Regular Ricky Davis found out that in this other dimension, he was actually credited for his triple double attempt against the Jazz all those years ago. “Finally”, he whispered to himself as his eyes welled up. Bizarro Mike Dunleavy was wearing an excellent suit, had a full head of hair and drew up a play out of a time out that worked perfectly. Real Dunleavy did not notice at all, as he was haggling with a food vendor because chocolate Ho-Hos cost 50 cents more in this dimension. The Clippers were inspired by their alter-egos and boarded the Clipper bus back to reality. Blake Griffin and Eric Gordon were immediately crushed by a falling piano upon disembarking the vehicle.

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Milwaukee Bucks

Milwaukee Bucks General Manager John Hammond completed his vision for the Bucks by trading Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut for a 1973 beige VW Van with its doors rusted shut. NBA fans and other onlookers were confused and bewildered as to whether that was actually possible, but as Larry Coon would point out, a strange and often overlooked CBA rule allows players to be traded for inanimate objects, after Donald Sterling controversially traded Tom Chambers for a shoe in 1983. Hammond justified the trade by saying “Beige VW Van is going to add a whole new dynamic to this team. I’ve personally contacted Beige VW Van’s agent, and he assures me that Beige VW Van’s engine is in perfect working order, and that the tires are all-season.” Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut are currently doing backbreaking manual labour for a man named Craig in Iowa.

Memphis Grizzlies

Things started out poorly for the Memphis Grizzlies, and after Allen Iverson re-entered the lineup from injury, things immediately went from bad, to possibly the worst situation of all time. A new term was coined for an unbelievably catastrophic disaster, after a roadside cleanup crew called a 72-car pile-up a “a real Memphis Grizzly of a situation”. Zach Randolph and Rudy Gay combined for an NBA record 40 three point shots in one game, and made 4 of them. Asked to comment, Zach Randolph instead lamented that his coach did not allow him to shoot three point shots at his own basket. “It’s so open!” He remarked. Memphis becomes the first team to ever require that both of its stadium’s rims be replaced halfway through the season due to unrelenting low percentage chucking. “I’ve never seen anything like it before.” Said a local scientist Steve Butt. “The physical property of a basketball should not be able to inflict this sort of damage on steel. It’s as if someone were throwing masonry at it.” Continued Butt before rolling up his driver’s side window and doing a sweet-ass burnout. At one point during the season, Hasheem Thabeet accidentally missed the team bus to Minnesota because he was playing Wii sports. Nobody on the Grizzlies noticed until halfway through the second quarter when Allen Iverson asked where “the gigantic dark dude who brings me my water” went.